Multi.Colored—tattooed people, tattoo dreams

While I’m not a regular watcher of “LA Ink,” I do tune it in from time to time, and I watched “Miami Ink” while Kat Von D was working there.

Kat does excellent fine-line portrait work.  I must admit that up till the time I saw what she could do, I was definitely not a fan of tattoo portraits.  Maybe because I’d never seen a really good one.  It always seemed that the pictures might have looked good when drawn on paper, but when translated to skin they were distotred and amateur-artist-looking.  I couldn’t understand why someone would want to honor someone else by putting a mediocre junior-high-art-class-looking drawing on their skin.

Transferring a drawing on flat paper to the curved surface of someone’s body requires a certain amount of adjustment and talent.  And of course a tattoo needle is nowhere near as forgiving as a pencil, and you can’t just go back and erase your mistakes.  But does that account for all the sappy-looking tattoo portrait art out there?  I saw some fairly mediocre portraits turn up on “Miami Ink” and the recipients always said they were pleased, but was that just for the TV cameras?  Who knows?

I’ve even seen portraits of “Jesus” (the standardized Western portrait of a man who certainly wasn’t the blonde-haired, handsome dude used to represent him) that look bad enough that they could be taken for mockery, not faith.

The Total Tattoo Book includes a photo of a man’s back completely covered by a portrait of Charles Lindbergh, which left me wondering why someone would pay good money for something like that.  Of course, my opinion of LIndbergh and his politics might color my opinion a bit. 

What do you think about tattoo portraits?  Do you have one?  Whom does it honor, and who did the work?

photo credit: R.O.K.E.N

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Frequently asked questions about tattoos and tattooing:

How do I get a good tattoo?

It’s not a simple or instant process, so don’t go thinking you can just walk into the nearest shop and come out with something fantastic. You’ll need to do research. Go to as many tattoo parlors as you can and look carefully at the artists’ portfolios. Never mind the flash on the walls. Concentrate on what the artist puts out as examples of his or her work. Also, when you’re out and about, if you see someone with tattoos that appeal to you, don’t be shy. Most multicolored people are delighted to hear you like their artwork. Ask where they got it. Carry something you can write on so you can make a note of where to look.

How much does it cost?

This is something each artist determines for him/herself. Most charge by the hour, and many have a one hour minimum. You should get an estimate from the artist when you discuss your design. The final price may or not be the same as the estimate, but it should give you an idea of what to expect. And be sure to bring extra money to tip the artist. Good work should be rewarded.

Can’t I just find something on the wall in the tattoo parlor I like and go with that?

Absolutely, if what you want is something that’s on the tattoo parlor wall.

What do I need to do to prepare to get tattooed?

Bathe or shower that morning. Wear clothing that you can adjust or remove without flashing the neighborhood. Eat a light meal shortly before your appointment but don’t stuff yourself. Don’t drink a lot of water or soda, because you don’t want to interrupt the artist repeatedly to go to the bathroom. Do not, under any circumstances, get drunk. If you’re nervous, have a good friend or family member go with you for support.

What do I do after I get tattooed?

Besides pay the artist and tip him or her, you mean? Be sure your artist gives you aftercare instructions. Don’t let him/her put plastic wrap over your new ink. You may want to keep the bandage on overnight so you don’t stick to your bedsheets. Wash your tattoo according to the instructions and keep it moisturized with the product your artist recommends, or with Burt’s Bees Hand Salve, which contains just about the same ingredients as proprietary after-tat products and is much more widely available. Do not pick the scabs off, do not scratch no matter how much it itches (and it will) and don’t be in a hurry to get out in the sun. Healing takes time and your body is unique, so don’t go by someone else’s timetable.

And the #1 frequently asked question: Does it hurt?

You betcha. But getting it removed hurts worse. So be very sure of what you want, where you want it, and whom you want to apply it before you start!

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….put a sports logo on my arm?

There’s a TV commercial that’s getting a lot of airplay these days, showing sports fans displaying their lovefor their teams in different, mostly creative ways. Painting a car like a team uniform. Wearing a costume representative of the team name. Getting a credit card with a team logo. Getting the team logo tattooed on your arm.

It’s obvious, of course, that the team logo in the commercial isn’t a real tattoo. (Obvious to anyone who’s ever come within ten feet of a real tattoo artist, that is.) But I have no doubt there are people so devoted to their teams, or to their favorite athletes, that they’ve got some kind of sports logo inked on their skin.

I’ve never been a big enough fan of any team or athlete that I’d want a sports emblem permanently attached. Heck, I never even replaced my Green Bay Packers jersey when it finally wore out (I’m not as big a Packers fan as I once was–I guess the days of “The Pack will be back! Way back!” did my early enthusasm in). My grandfather was a lifelong Pittsburgh Pirates fan, but I can’t imagine him buying a jersey, much less getting a tattoo.

On the other hand, I watch “American Chopper” and look at how crazy Grandma Teutul is about the Yankees. I could totally see her getting a Yankee logo tattooed on her arm (and Paul Sr. paying for it with no questions asked). Sometimes I tune in the Channel 5 news a few minutes early and catch the last minute or so of their wrestling extravaganza du jour, and I can totally picture the people screaming in the audience lining up at the local tattoo parlor to get a pro wrestling emblem or a portrait of their favorite bruiser permanently applied.

Would you get a tattoo of your favorite team emblem or something else related to a sport of some kind? Or is that the kind of thing you might be seeing a tattoo removal specialist about after a few bad seasons or big losses? Is that kind of “sports memorabilia” worth the money?

photo credit: Mac(3)

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My late father had a unique sense of humor, and he delighted in the ridiculous. Which is why he was a big fan of the Marx Brothers and the British comedians who did the Goon Show and “Beyond the Fringe.”

At one point in my childhood, we had a housekeeper whose first name was Lydia. My father, of course, thought it would be appropriate to sing “Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, the en-cy-clo-piddea” to her, assuming she’d get the reference.

She didn’t.

And thus ruffled feathers had to be smoothed, and explanations had to be given, and my father learned that not everyone is a fan of classic comedy.

Lydia, the tattooed lady of the song, was covered all over with miscellaneous designs. You could see “Kankakee, or Paree, or Washington crossing the Delaware.” From the pictures I’ve seen, heavily tattooed people in those days mostly did the same thing–just kept adding ink-work till there wasn’t much skin left to be covered. There was no overall design. And in those days, heavily tattooed people did make a living as circus performers, so if the average person were to see someone with a lot of ink, that’s what they would have seen.

If you’re only going to get a few tattoos, it doesn’t really matter if they “go along” with each other in any way. Inspiration strikes, ink is added. What feels right at one stage of the game might not be so appealing the next time around. My own three tattoos don’t coordinate with each other visually in any way (although I must admit I have considered commissioning a gifted artist of our acquaintance to design me a sleeve that would incorporate my seven stars). Given that no two of my tattoos are anywhere near each other, it doesn’t matter at all that they don’t coordinate.

However, it does seem to me that if one’s goal is to get pretty well covered, a grand plan makes the whole thing look a lot better. That’s why those Japanese bodysuits look so good. If we just keep adding stuff till there’s no skin left, it comes out looking like what it is: a mish-mosh. Better, I think, to have at least some plan to coordinate everything. But then again, I don’t plan to get completely covered, so what do I know?

What do you think? Grand plan, or individual inspirations?

By the way, if you want to see Groucho singing “Lydia the Tattooed Lady” in his prime, you can find his performance on YouTube here. I have had no luck embedding videos properly, so better you go see it at the source.

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