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By infmom, August 27, 2008 12:58 pm

Tattoos and other body art are becoming more popular all the time–just look at all the tattoo related showson TV these days. Even the National Geographic has gotten into the act. But the fact that something is popular doesn’t necessarily mean that it has widespread acceptance.

In what ways are multicolored people reminded that body art is still outside the mainstream? As I see it, there are three common objections.

Dress codes

I used to laugh when a friend who worked as a fundraiser for a fundamentalist college told me he would never ever EVER dare wear anything but a white shirt to work. The people he worked for wouldn’t tolerate anything else. And whether it was strictly true or not, he believed that the potential donors he went to see wouldn’t tolerate anything else either, and if his clothing offended them he could kiss their money goodbye. That was years ago, but it’s still pretty much the rule that employers have dress codes and employees are expected to follow them.

So, it’s practical to have your tattoos applied to areas that can be covered up by clothing. Not quite so easy to conceal piercings, unless they’re in intimate areas. There’s a market out there for clear or flesh colored spacers that can be inserted to keep a piercing open, but from my reading I gather they’re not entirely satisfactory. (Nor, despite what I saw at one previous job, is a bandage over a pierced ear going to fool anyone).

Conscious or unconscious aversion

Historically speaking, tattoos have been favored by the “upper crust.” All kinds of royalty had body art a hundred years ago. (Heck, Prince Charles was in the Navy, do you suppose he’s got ink where the sun don’t shine?) But, sad to say, most people don’t know diddly-squat about history, and their main exposure to tattoos often comes from gangbangers, bikers, sailors, soldiers, and other kinds of People We’re Not. Thus, tattooing gained an unfortunate reputation as being the provenance of People We’re Not, and anyone with a tattoo is therefore eyed with suspicion. (My father didn’t want me to get my ears pierced when I was 16, claiming it “looked cheap.” I’m glad I never found out what he thought of my tattoos.) The fact that this anti-ink prejudice exists is something multicolored people have to understand and deal with, no matter how irrational the basis.

Age and its issues

“What will happen when you get old and it sags?” It’s true that our skin changes shape as we get older. And it’s a common assumption that wherever the tattoo goes, the skin will sag, wrinkle, change color, and otherwise distort and deface the tattoo, so why even bother? Of course, the fact that humanity has a long tradition of art that gets better with age, despite the ravages of time upon the medium (the Mona Lisa ain’t what she used to be, and neither are the Lascaux cave paintings) doesn’t seem to apply to body art. It’s gonna sag! Don’t do it!

Of course, the idea that we can enjoy the ink till gravity takes its toll doesn’t seem to mean anything to the sag fanatics. And the fact that there are plenty of areas that don’t sag doesn’t change people’s minds, either.

What’s your story?

What kinds of objections and challenges have you faced? Did your family raise a fuss about your tattoos? Were you called too young or too old? Does your employer have even an inkling you’re covering up inking?

photo credit: Cassi Saari

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By infmom, July 29, 2008 12:18 pm

As I was working on this series of posts, my son reminded me that one member of my family did have major objections to tattoos. Fortunately, when I got my first one, my mother lived clear on the other side of the country and could only raise objections over the long-distance telephone. (And she did!)

However, I had no idea my mom hated tattoos till I was past the point of no return. I was 46 and my mom was 67 at the time and I didn’t think I needed to consult with her first. She never stopped objecting to my tattoos (and commenting on how a lot of people she knew were getting them and she didn’t like that, either) but I didn’t let that stop me from going ahead with more. Age and distance do have their benefits.

However, for friends and family within much closer proximity I really don’t advise the “Tough beansies, it’s my body” approach. It’s vitally important to acknowledge that the other person’s (or people’s) opinion is just as valid as your own, and try to work out some kind of compromise. Naturally, as with all compromises, neither side will be entirely satisfied. But neither side should feel steamrollered, either.

Tattoos don’t have to be visible under normal everyday circumstances (and given how many employers’ dress codes forbid them, the inconspicuous placement is for the best). If your partner asks why you’d get ink that nobody’s going to know is there, of course the answer is that you yourself will know. You can start small, perhaps with a design on a shoulderblade that even a sleeveless shirt won’t reveal. Today’s artists can pack a lot of meaning into a small space. Talk with your artist and explain that you need to be accommodating to your partner’s objections. A good artist can help you find just the right design and placement.

What to do if your partner lays down a “It’s my way or the highway” ultimatum? There’s no clear answer to that, if you want the relationship to continue (and needless to say, it’s just as wrong to issue such an ultimatum yourself). Is a relationship where only one person’s feelings are valid worth continuing? In that case, there’s a lot more than just body art at stake.

Have you worked past someone’s major objections to body art? Care to share how it worked? I’m sure there are a lot of people who would like to know.

photo credit: greefus groinks

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By infmom, July 27, 2008 11:54 am

When partners have very strong opinions on the issue of tattoos, and those opinions are radically different, sometimes it feels like there’s no resolution unless one person gives in. Which, of course, will make the person whose feelings get overridden even more unhappy.

People who hate tattoos have their reasons, from bad personal experiences to family / religious teachings
to objections to the look of ink “messing up” someone’s body. All of which are perfectly valid justification for one’s feelings. For multicolored people to deny the validity of those feelings would cause even more problems. But people who want tattoos feel just as passionately about them. I know what it’s like to crave a tattoo, but how to explain that to someone who’s never had that feeling?

Communication, of course, is the key. (Yeah, doesn’t that sound obvious?) Both people have to be able to express their feelings clearly and without putting the other person down. It might be best for each person to sit and write down how they feel, allowing plenty of time to explain the whys and wherefores. Putting things in writing takes time and encourages thinking. You don’t have to write a book or even an essay. Just put your thoughts down on paper as clearly as you can. Then, of course, you exchange papers with your partner, with an agreement to read and try to understand.

Seeing how the other person feels, and why, without the heated emotion of a big argument can be a real eye opener. Many times, there is a soothing answer to the worst concerns. If your partner is concerned about the look of visible tattoos, could your ink be placed where it’s usually covered by clothing? If your partner is concerned about “sagging” and how bad it might look when you get older, could you point out that there are a lot of areas of the body that don’t show and don’t sag? If your partner doesn’t want you covered with ink, could you offer to start with something very small and let him or her get used to the idea gradually?

If you want to get the tattoo as a memorial to someone, or to show your feelings, could you write down what you plan to do, and where, and why, to explain why it’s so important to you to have it done? Would it help to ask to have your partner come with you for support during the actual tattoo? If your partner objects to your being that close to someone else for that long, especially in the state of undress necessary for some designs, would it help to choose an artist of your same gender?

Each point that each person makes should be considered by the other–not with the idea of raising objections, but with the idea of mutual cooperation. It might help to write answers to each point, again with the idea of discussion rather than confrontation. Yeah, it might feel weird or stupid to be exchanging notes, but would you rather exchange notes or insults in the heat of battle?

Next message, a few more thoughts on compromise.

photo credit: massdistraction

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By infmom, July 25, 2008 11:38 am

A reader recently asked a question about what to do when one’s spouse / partner / significant other has serious objections to tattoos.

I know a lot of people do have strong feelings on the subject and tattoos still carry negative images to many people. It’s not easy to get past that kind of visceral reaction and it can often cause big trouble for partners who have opposing opinions on the matter. After all, it’s not like you can get a real tattoo and just wash it off if your partner doesn’t like it.

Tattoos are one of the most permanent ways of expressing one’s feelings. For some of us, it feels necessary to get them. Essential. Part of who we are. We put our feelings into our ink and we mark ourselves permanently to show the strength of what we feel. All of my tattoos were done with a specific purpose in mind. I waited many years before I walked into a tattoo parlor for the first time, but when I went through that door I was certain of what I wanted and why.

Fortunately, my husband has a live-and-let-live attitude and didn’t for a moment think it was his place to say no. In fact, he came along with my daughter and me on one of our trips, and watched the process with interest, although he’ll never get a tattoo himself.

To be honest, I don’t know what I would have done if he’d raised objections. I love and respect my husband and our marriage is one of mutual cooperation (for the most part). Fortunately, over the years we’ve been together, we have learned to communicate, and I would hope that we could have talked about it together and reached some kind of compromise.

In the next messages, I’ll talk about some possible ways to work things out. Granted, I’m not talking from anti-tattoo-partner experience (thank goodness) but we’ve worked out other problems that we feel strongly about and I’ll extrapolate from that.

photo credit: cpbills

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By infmom, July 6, 2008 10:57 am

I made a brief mention of what I called upper-crust tattoos in my last post. In the late 19th and early 20th century, tattoos were very popular among people who were considered (or considered themselves to be) “high society.” Winston Churchill’s mother had a tattoo, and so did the Prince of Wales (later Edward VII).

My grandmother’s parents were Canadians by birth but her mother always considered herself British and had British upper-class pretensions. It must have been very difficult to sustain those kinds of aspirations on the pay scale of a professional soldier–my great-grandfather was an officer in the Royal Canadian Horse Artillery. Much like her granddaughter, she was raised to marry a rich man, but married a rich man’s son, which is a different kettle of fish altogether.

I didn’t know much about my mother’s ancestors till fairly recently, other than that they’d scooted over the border into New Brunswick circa 1776 with the other Tories, and left behind the land that Princeton University stands on today. (And that, of course, explains why I am the first of this particular branch to be born in the USA.)

The more I looked into it, the more interesting family details turned up. And some of the historical information I found proved very useful in present-day times.

My mother did not like tattoos. She refused to even look at mine and made it clear she wished I hadn’t done it. Nicely, of course. But the meaning was QUITE clear.

As part of my family research I sent off for the papers that her grandfather had signed when he joined the Canadian Army. And when the photocopy arrived I saw something of great interest. My great-grandfather had three tattoos! One of which, to my delight, was a dragon. This was not long after I got my own dragon tattoo, so I felt a sense of family pride immediately.

And then I called up my mother and told her it was all genetic and it was all her fault.

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By infmom, April 16, 2008 9:15 am

I just returned from attending my mom’s memorial service.

Mom didn’t like my tattoos. She hit the stratosphere when I got my first one (at the advanced age of 46) and refused to even look at my ink even when invited to do so. I should say, though, that she didn’t single me out–she didn’t like tattoos, period. Which was understandable, given that she grew up in Canadian Church of England boarding schools and tattoos would have been associated with various lowlife types in her school’s philosophy. An upbringing like that is hard to shake.

However, there is a story to tell about me, my mom, and tattoos, one that never fails to make me smile. I’ve been interested in family history for quite a while. Not too long after I got my first tattoo, I found a site that would let me send in for a copy of my great-grandfather’s enlistment papers in the Canadian Army circa Boer War. From that, I learned that my grandmother had always misspelled his middle name, that his handwriting and my grandmother’s were darn near identical, and… he had three tattoos.

Just like me.

So, I called up my mother and told her all about this, and then I said “It’s genetic, Mom. And it’s all your fault.”

I don’t think my mom agreed with me on that.

photo credit: mgjefferies

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By infmom, February 24, 2007 12:07 pm

Not everyone likes tattoos. (Wow, talk about a revelation, hmm?) And a lot of people who don’t like tattoos are not shy about saying so.

What happens if you’re a multicolored person in a tattoo-hating family? What happens if you’ve got a parent or sibling who is bound and determined to tell you off about what you did to yourself? When you’ve got a lifetime of actions and reactions built up, how do you get past all that and explain what the other person can’ t seem to understand?

I think the person who comes up with a definitive answer to that will make a fortune. Needless to say, I’m not the one. Not yet, anyway.

As I’ve mentioned, I first got the idea of getting a tattoo when I was 16. I already had a pretty good idea of how my parents felt about things like that (they didn’t want me to get my ears pierced, for one thing). Little did I know that 40 years later when I finally got my first real tattoo, my mother would still feel the same way.

Good thing I was in Los Angeles and she was in Georgia when it happened, that’s all I can say. She happened to call me the day I got my tattoo. Maybe I shouldn’t have waited till the end of the conversation to just casually slip that fact into the discussion. But I suspect she would have hit the roof no matter what.

Now, granted, my mom’s in her seventies, and in her day, tattoos were more a matter of soldiers, sailors and Lady Luck. I can see not being thrilled at the idea of your daughter coming home from some scummy dockside place with a busty babe, dice and a winning poker hand inked into her arm. And it wasn’t as though I’d ever, oh, mentioned that I wanted a tattoo in all those years. So her “You did WHAAAAAAAT?” was understandable.

But in the ten years since then, my mother hasn’t changed her mind one bit. She didn’t even want to look at my ink. Not even the multicolored Chinese dragon that I designed in honor of her mother. She doesn’t like tattoos. End of story. At least I’m old enough to give myself permission to get them. And now that tattoo parlors require people to be of legal age in order to get inked, the issue of getting a reluctant parent to give permission shouldn’t come up any more. That doesn’t mean that one’s relatives won’t raise a fuss if they feel strongly about the issue, though.

Whether to consult with family members beforehand or present them with a fait accompli is best left to individual discretion. One does have to consider whether the tattoo is worth long-term family animosity, though. In some cases it might be better to wait and give people a chance to get used to the idea. Or make sure the tattoo is applied to an area that can be easily and completely hidden from view for as long as necessary.

However, in my case there was an amusing postscript to the parental reaction. A year or so after I got my first tattoo, I found a web site that would let me send off for photocopies of the paperwork my great-grandfather signed when he enlisted in the Canadian Expeditionary Force in WWI. When the papers arrived, I discovered two things. One, his handwriting and his daughter’s (my mother’s mother’s) was nearly identical. And two, he had three tattoos, one of which was a dragon.

I called my mother and told her this. “It’s genetic,” I said, “and it’s all your fault.”

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